1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
a search helicopter?!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
