Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
