I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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