the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my shit smells like andre
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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