Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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