what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
