it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
