I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
