I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
