I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Randomize
