I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize