i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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