Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
