i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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