After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
