Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
