my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
