Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
