Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
