I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
