Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
