Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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