I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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