The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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