I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
