Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
