it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
