Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize