I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
