Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
