is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
