I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
