theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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