god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
