Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
