You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
