I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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