so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
