Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
