Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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