Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the condom got lost in my hair
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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