This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
