I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
