u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
