I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
