i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
