yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
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I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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