the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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