I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
