So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
