Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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