I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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