haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
birth control should be required to get into college
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
