My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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