Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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