If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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