I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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