I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
