These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
