God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
