I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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